Saturday, November 28, 2009

Rounded out by love...

I'm very well aware of the freshmen fifteen,
I'm aware of weight gain during pregnancy,

But everyone failed to mention the backlash weight gain after the wedding.

And believe me, there is 'more woman to love' right now.

The jeans are snugger, and the sweatshirts have become my first line of defense against this 'extra coating' that seems to have found it's way around my waistline and thighs.

I think the hardest part is that I'm probably thinner than I was last holiday season but because I spent four months trying to whittle down to an appropriate bridal frame, I've changed my idea of my 'normal' body size.

So what do I do now?

Bless his heart, I think even if I ballooned to the size of a Thanksgiving day parade balloon Matt'd still love me, but I've spent the last couple weeks dodging mirrors and developed some very voluminous hairstyles to thin out my rounding face. I need to regain control!

And while, yes, it is about shedding some of this excess that I've accumulated, if you've been in this position, you know that it's more about not waking up in the morning feeling bloated, feeling uncomfortable in your own skin or even feeling restricted to a certain section of the closet; mostly for me, it's knowing that I could be making better choices and that even though I know that next slice of pizza will make me feel like crap, I do it anyway.

And I think this apparent trend in my life begs the bigger question: If I know the consequences of my actions (having done them before) and don't like said consequences, why do I KNOWINGLY continue in this behavior?

Friday, November 27, 2009

*Not* Hooked on a Feeling....

Today I had a case of the "icks," though it has been previously known to me as a hearty 'funk.' I have today off - it's a paid holiday - and I woke up with such hope, 'oh the things I could do with my time!' I mean, positively ambitious hopes...but then IT settled in, and all of a sudden, it was as though I couldn't DO anything. All I wanted to do was to engage in self indulgent behavior, none of it community orientated and nothing so idyllic as wanting to spend a day inside watching movies with a hot drink and the cat on my lap - it was just this lifeless, despondent, 'I'd rather look out the window or stare at the ceiling in my pajamas then try to think of anything productive' attitude that seemed to have a vice grip on my psyche. And the problem with this type of funk is that, in my experience, your natural inclination is this serious desperation to get out of it that you end up doing something--anything--instantly gratifying and without real substance. Case in point, I wanted - no, NEEDED - to go shopping. It was all I could think to do: spend money, get the high, get the stuff - everyone wins, right? I mean, we ARE in a recession, it IS black Friday; I'd be helping the economy...right?

Not exactly.

Having been in this place before, and after lamenting my frustrations to Matt, we realized that the most constructive way to get out of this funk seems to be the least intuitive (at the time) - and that is getting out and engaging in activity with people or at least doing something productive that requires I give something of myself or at least take a shower (!). It's hard because all I wanted to do at the time, was be selfish and do something that gratified me instantly, even if that 'something' costs me - be it money or my figure (I'm talking to YOU Cinnabon!). But seriously, it requires a certain amount of work on my part - work that, at that point, I didn't want to put it; I would have rather stared out the window and just hope for some sort of divine intervention. But no, I wanted/needed to combat this. I needed to know that there was a constructive way out; that i have recourse, a history of action against something so incredibly insidious and debilitating.
So my first step? Get dressed (Matt's suggestion)!

Pardon the tangent, but I find that this 'funk' is much like a recurring dream I have, where I'm running, but it's like my legs are in molasses or disjointed from my brain--I have to struggle against my own mind to establish a momentum that my body is striving to attain. And that's what I had to do; I had to start moving, create a momentum, regardless how slow or futile it seemed, to be able to combat this inner struggle I seemed to be having. First step, preparation for the day, and nest step - get moving...literally!

Once I had made the decision, I started out for Starbucks (free Internet) and the fog began to lift...and honestly, it's not completely gone now, but it's retracting and slowly I'm beginning to plan for the day, and it's starting to shape up positively.

Which make me wonder, has this ever happened to you?

Give Thanks!

What a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Here are some of the things that I am so very thankful for:
My husband, Matt and our marriage
My family - and how it's grown :)
My friends and how we've all become so much closer over the last few years...
The rich blessings of a new church home and all the community and grounding that has brought to my life,
And a renewed sense of self that has come with the last several years. I went though a period where I felt really lost and it's amazing to feel this reclamation of my identity both of who I was and the new aspects I am able to discover through new relationships and experiences.
We had such a wonderful time at my mom's house with AMAZING family, food and a great walk to cap off the time, here are some pictures from the day....
I arrived at my mom's house and the cooking was already underway! It smelled AMAZING!
The kitchen - full of activity! :)

My mom and my sisters tearin' it up in the kitchen

My Grandpa never met a brain teaser he didn't're watching a master at work.
For her college graduation Alyssa got a puppy, and her name is Merryweather. This was Merry's first Thanksgiving, AND she is adorable, so of course, there are a lot of pictures of her! I'm a proud 'aunt'.

The beginnings of Cara's Thanksgiving pie....
'Yay' for autumnal flower arrangements...

Nearing the final stages of Thanksgiving preparation...we're all starting to lurk around the table at this point....

The table's set, and we're nearly ready! Notice the colored glasses - those make their appearance at nearly all our festive holiday meals - aren't they gorgeous??

This is Indy, short for Independence, and she's a spicy firecracker...though not at the moment.

Look at that face!

Something's peaked her interest!

This is L.C. (for Little Cat) - I think she's like the Katherine Hepburn of cats....

My sister says that Eeyore and Merryweather have a love-hate relationship...Merryweather hates that Eeyore gets any attention, so she loves to throw her on the floor.

Cara putting the finishing touches on her DELICIOUS pear-cranberry berry pie!

Merryweather in her Thanksgiving finest!

Merryweather: The Next Victoria's Secret Angel... Look at that stare!

Eat, drink (sparkling cranberry juice) and be merry!

Mashed potatoes aren't my favorite, but they LOOK tempting!
Somehow the dictionary always seems to find it's way to the dinner in point, looking up the exact meaning of 'pone.'

A Thanksgiving feast!

Indy, the cat, trying to persuade dad to oblige her with some leftovers...sadly, they never found their way to the floor....

The least fun part of Thanksgiving...the clean up

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

And so it begins...

Hello to one (or none) and all...

Having followed blogs for several months now, I have decided that I too, will grace the internet with yet another point of view.
Having been recently married (October 24th!) things are changing at a rapid pace in my life as Matt and I forge ahead on that whole concept of "two becoming one." I can't promise any startling revelations or brilliant solutions...but I think it'll be a fun ride.
Hopefully, at some point, I'll get back on the creative bandwagon and even start painting again!

I hope you find my/our journey as interesting as I do!