Friday, November 27, 2009

*Not* Hooked on a Feeling....

Today I had a case of the "icks," though it has been previously known to me as a hearty 'funk.' I have today off - it's a paid holiday - and I woke up with such hope, 'oh the things I could do with my time!' I mean, positively ambitious hopes...but then IT settled in, and all of a sudden, it was as though I couldn't DO anything. All I wanted to do was to engage in self indulgent behavior, none of it community orientated and nothing so idyllic as wanting to spend a day inside watching movies with a hot drink and the cat on my lap - it was just this lifeless, despondent, 'I'd rather look out the window or stare at the ceiling in my pajamas then try to think of anything productive' attitude that seemed to have a vice grip on my psyche. And the problem with this type of funk is that, in my experience, your natural inclination is this serious desperation to get out of it that you end up doing something--anything--instantly gratifying and without real substance. Case in point, I wanted - no, NEEDED - to go shopping. It was all I could think to do: spend money, get the high, get the stuff - everyone wins, right? I mean, we ARE in a recession, it IS black Friday; I'd be helping the economy...right?

Not exactly.

Having been in this place before, and after lamenting my frustrations to Matt, we realized that the most constructive way to get out of this funk seems to be the least intuitive (at the time) - and that is getting out and engaging in activity with people or at least doing something productive that requires I give something of myself or at least take a shower (!). It's hard because all I wanted to do at the time, was be selfish and do something that gratified me instantly, even if that 'something' costs me - be it money or my figure (I'm talking to YOU Cinnabon!). But seriously, it requires a certain amount of work on my part - work that, at that point, I didn't want to put it; I would have rather stared out the window and just hope for some sort of divine intervention. But no, I wanted/needed to combat this. I needed to know that there was a constructive way out; that i have recourse, a history of action against something so incredibly insidious and debilitating.
So my first step? Get dressed (Matt's suggestion)!

Pardon the tangent, but I find that this 'funk' is much like a recurring dream I have, where I'm running, but it's like my legs are in molasses or disjointed from my brain--I have to struggle against my own mind to establish a momentum that my body is striving to attain. And that's what I had to do; I had to start moving, create a momentum, regardless how slow or futile it seemed, to be able to combat this inner struggle I seemed to be having. First step, preparation for the day, and nest step - get moving...literally!

Once I had made the decision, I started out for Starbucks (free Internet) and the fog began to lift...and honestly, it's not completely gone now, but it's retracting and slowly I'm beginning to plan for the day, and it's starting to shape up positively.

Which make me wonder, has this ever happened to you?

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