Hit or Miss

Yep, that's me.  

And that face pretty much encapsulates my exact feelings about this week.  

And no, I wasn't drunk.  And yes, I have mastered the 'ugly face'.  You know, just one of my many talents.

It's been one of those weeks...you know what I'm talking about right?  Where the only thing that's consistent is that the week has been TOTALLY inconsistent?  

I realize how insane this saying is - hit or miss.  It's quite a polarizing, black and white way of looking at things.  But isn't that sometimes, how life feels?  Like you've either got it or you don't?  Isn't that the constant struggle of most women, and men for that matter...finding balance in their lives...finding the happy medium that exists somewhere between hit and miss?  I'm starting to wonder if that place ACTUALLY exists.  Perhaps it's like Neverland, and it exists only in that space between sleep and awake.  

It's gotten mighty tiring living at these two extremes this week; and I'm glad I've somehow made it to Friday.  I can see you Saturday...and you've never looked better.  

And at the risk of sounding ridiculous the only that is going through my head right now is Anne's cheerful voice, "Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?"  Why yes, yes it is.

Walk About

It's not a particularly grey day today...in fact it's quite beautiful outside.  However, I woke up rather wistful this morning, and have decided I am in the right mood for a walk through the park.  You know, one of those walks where the only soundtrack is the sound of your feet on the path and thoughts in your head?

Thanks for joining me.

London

In February we traveled across the pond to "jolly ol' London" to attend the Percy Grainger Festival.  Arguably my husband's favorite composer, we couldn't miss the opportunity to attend.  One of the days, Matt attended a day of lectures while I opted out in order to get to know London a bit better (in other words, I went walking for hours). This was my third time in London, and I'd always considered the city more like a 'friend of a friend' having experienced with die-hard anglophiles.  So, I was really excited to explore London and perhaps develop my own unique relationship with London. :)

(As a side note, we had no idea that it was London fashion week, and somehow I ended up behind security lines at the Top Shop fashion show (outside the building).  I only realized I had made a wrong turn when I was faced with a bevy of paparazzi, who were VERY disappointed when I turned the corner. Oh well.)

I snapped some pictures on my walk, of things I took a fancy to and having been playing around with them in Picnick.

I have so many more pictures, but I think I'll just leave it at that. :)

Brain (and photo) dump

It's been a really long time since I've written a blog post.  I need to get the mojo flowing so, expect some posts of utter randomness from me, just dumping thoughts and some favorite pictures from the summer in hopes that inspiration for some semblance of a coherent post will come.

This is the husband and me (whilst a pickle ball tournament went on in the background) during our recent visit to Kansas for the Fourth of July to see some of my family.  His smile makes me melt.  (And yes, those are faux designer sunglasses. I'm not label obsessed I'm just cheap - turns out faux designer glasses are cheaper than Target brand - they were only ten bucks at a kiosk in the mall, who knew?)

I started editing messing around with some of our wedding pictures (we got married in October, 2009) but I got overwhelmed by the fact that there are 2400 of them to go through.  Still, it's so much fun to go back through the photos and relive the day.  I remember feeling such overwhelming joy and peace the day of the our wedding.  Yes, there were harried moments, and some frantic last minute scrambling, but more than anything I just remember being so filled with joy.

Speaking of joy...this face brings me endless amounts:

This is our cat, Thomas.  Matt's trying to teach him how to walk on a leash/harness.  He has a lot of theories about how to achieve this goal, unfortunately Thomas seems to feel that playing possum is the answer to all of them. 

These are my sisters.  They are gorgeous...and smart, funny, talented...the list goes on and on.  

These photos were taken on Easter Sunday (my favorite religious holiday of the year!).  Growing up our mom made our Easter dresses every year, and it was always something each one of us looked forward to.  The tradition still continues (in a way) in that each year we all look forward to finding that new Easter dress.  There's always something wonderful about buying a new dress, wouldn't you agree?

Matt and I share the same computer and one day he made this collage and put it as our desktop wallpaper.  It was such a wonderful surprise.  We look so much younger here, I think.  This was three or so years ago at a friends wedding.  We were waiting to be called into dinner and we started an impromptu photo shoot.  The photos are taken by a wonderful friend of our who has recently started up her own photography business.  

Last but not least, I thought I'd share this little chestnut.  

I was going through some pictures when we had visited the San Diego Zoo, and realized the pose of the meerkat struck me as familiar in a way.  When I realized why, I couldn't help but share. :)

Joie de Vivre…

Like many, 2011 was ushered in with resolutions – but in many ways, I knew the start to this New Year would be different.

For starters, I had given thought to what I was resolving to do. This time around, it would not be resolutions to lose weight or to maintain an ideal I felt I was somehow failing to live up to in my day to day life. I've tried all that before, with limited to no success and I was tired of tarnishing a bright and shiny new year with the thought that its success hinged on my ability to be thinner or in having more people believe I somehow "have it all together." This is not to say that these goals were necessarily off base – it's just I realized that they required a shift in perspective.

What I finally saw was that the intent and thus the phrasing of these resolutions was all wrong (at least for me). The problem was the fact that the resolutions were born out of negative thoughts – out of incredible dissatisfaction, and if I'm being honest, incredible insecurity. No wonder I wasn't achieving my goals! My goals, instead of lifting me up and moving me forward, seemed to reinforce the terrible self image that I was trying to shed, leaving me in this stagnant quagmire of insecurity! With that understanding, I realized that I needed to really evaluate why I was making these goals – what was I hoping to achieve? It seems that for resolutions to be successful they need to come from a place of positive origination.

ie. Last year I resolved that "I needed to lose weight and be thinner" which is a resolution that has both:

•  no tangible attainment, as thinner is objective and let's be honest, is a slippery slope when you start comparing and
• originates from a place of personal insecurity and the lie that I continue to tell myself, that "if I could just lose the weight I would feel better both about myself and my life." 

In contrast, this year I have resolved to "Run a 5k" which:

• is a clearly defined goal with a tangible and objective measure of success and,
• will, as a side benefit, require me to incorporate a healthy amount of exercise into my daily life (BONUS!)

C.S. Lewis once wrote: "[I]f you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man." (Mere Christianity) In reading this passage, it became incredibly clear to me what I believe I had been guilty of in my own life; of continuing on, hoping that things would get better instead of stopping and re-evaluating my course to make sure it was still the course I wanted to pursue.

I won't go into specifics, but 2010 was a really hard, emotional and spiritual year for me. Being married is amazing, please don't misunderstand, but for me it's also brought along a lot of challenges related to personal identity, personal power and self worth. That being said, I looked back on 2010 and saw that the year had progressed much like a snowball – a million small decisions and commitments that amounted to me finding myself in December, miserable and incredibly burned out. I love my life, but I found the problem was that I wasn't savoring my life. There was no self regulation, no moderation – it was all 'go Go GO!' I finally realized that all those involvements and commitments, though each inherently good, in their sheer volume seemed to become distractions from really pursuing those things that fed me personally, and left absolutely no time for personal reflection. And let's be honest. I am not the victim here. I did it to myself and quite frankly I think the reason I did it was because keeping busy, for me, was better than the alternative – challenging myself personally – confronting my fear of the blank page, and asking myself what it is that I truly want and need. 

So, armed with that knowledge, and fully acknowledging my propensity for busying myself with menial tasks I decided to make a resolution to enjoy (savor) my life. I know this sounds simultaneously saccharine and cliché but for me it came as a revelation; a new litmus test against which I could measure those decisions and commitments that would begin to come my way at the start of the New Year. I felt that this was the best way in which I could reclaim those things that made me 'me' that I had let fall by the wayside in my mad dash to be the most over-committed person in history. And I was very particular about the wording as I found that enjoyment, though it does mean 'to find or experience pleasure' also includes references to satisfaction and 'to undergo an improvement', which I feel acknowledges that those things we work for and work through can also be of great enjoyment. The first thing I did with this new resolution was to wipe my slate clean. I really looked at those things I had committed to weekly and realized there were only a few I desired to keep. I've begun to feel liberated by my free time which is great and finally I have found relaxation on the weekends. And I know that I've made a good decision because last night I had this amazing dream: I was having dinner with an old volleyball friend and her new husband (whom I've never actually met) and she suggested that we go for a walk after dinner. As we went walking though a forested area, she asked me if I had played volleyball recently and I said that I hadn't, and she turned around to look at me and said "That's understandable. With everything you went through I don't blame you for not playing anymore." And then she and I continued on our walk. Even now, recounting this dream, I can't help but well up with tears of joy. Most dreams I have prey on my insecurities and fears and I wake up traumatized or feeling isolated. I've had so many dreams where I'm back playing volleyball and one of my various coaches is pushing me on the court, while I, knowingly ill-equipped, don't put up a fight, but give in to their seemingly irrational requests. But in this dream, my friend (who I'm guessing is a manifestation of myself) finally acknowledged the hardship I'd been through and gave me grace in this area of my life. There was no pushing, there was no insistence. We weren't on court with the pressure on, we were in nature, and we talked face to face. And once we were resolved in our conversation, we moved forward. For the first time, in as long as I can remember, I felt at peace waking up from a dream.