Thursday, December 10, 2009

Can we really have it all?

I am over-committed.

I definitely DON'T mean this in the, 'I'm sporting the jacket with the buckles, my roommate has invisible friends' kind of way. It's more the 'Oh! Of course I can help you by baking a dozen cookies even though I have three other events this weekend to attend/help/host' way.

It starts innocently enough - weekly bible study? - sure, it's just one day...and then, choir? - why not, again, it's only one day and before you know it, you have something scheduled every day of the week. And it's not like the commitments themselves are bad - being in community and of service is great for both intra- and inter-personal relationships. But doing all of this has come at an expense, and one I'm not sure I realize I've been paying for quite some time now.

Two examples of where this has hit really hard in the last few weeks are time with my husband and time with myself. In the case of my husband we have very opposite work schedules, so our time is limited, and I do treasure it. But what I didn't realize was that when I do get to spend time with him, I'm often burnt out from a full week of activities, work, and interactions, so I feel like I can never give him 100%...and that's not fair to him, me or our relationship! Yikes!

And with regard to time with myself, introspection is great, but what I really mean here, is doing things that feed me, personally; things such as reading, creative/artistic pursuits, painting, etc. I haven't even tried painting in so long, in part because I have a phobia of the white page, but also because I never allow myself a large enough chunk of the day where my mind is still functional to even TRY to put something down. What personal time I do have, anymore, is spent watching DVDs or early episodes of Gossip Girl because I'm just to wiped to do anything else. Not good.

So, are there enough hours in the day to do it all? Maybe. But not for me.

I keep thinking about the idea of 'having (doing) it all' and what that means in my life.
I've realized lately that perhaps that perhaps you CAN have it all, but then, you have to MANAGE it all too; and I don't know if I'm very good at managing it all...I feel more like I'm just fighting/managing chaos!

So it's time to take a step back. I haven't developed a plan of attack, but my weekly schedule needs to go on a diet. Carry less weight. Work more efficiently. Be healthy.
I know that like any good diet it's a balance of saying no AND yes to things in moderation, but where that balance is, I've not quite decided. All I know is that things need to change.
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